Commitment

It is a brisk autumnal Sunday night. This past Friday was the final exam for my first medical school class - Biochemistry. It ended, and ushered in the first free weekend I have had since medical school began. I am recharged on time to sleep in, laughter with friends, freshly picked apples and sundappeled pumpkins...

Yet, palpably, there is a pit in my stomach. Tomorrow starts my first day of anatomy.

In part, my nervousness comes from the rumors enshrouding the gross anatomy course. legends run wild concerning the antics and outrageous events that happen in the class, and i find myself wondering what the practical reality will end up resembling...

But, much more so than the fantastic, I think that pit comes from knowing that I am entering into another seven-week period sans stopping. Do not get me wrong; I love medical school, I love what I am learning, I love the environment I am able to learn within. Yet, there is a strict regimen that must be kept to maintain adequate standing as a student, and huge parts of myself resist being tamed to one specific focus for such long periods of time.

Palpable also is the temptation to go even further beyond these next 7 weeks, into the next 7-10 years, wherein (again) days of break from the schedule will be few in number and far between in spacing.

And here, I remember to stop pushing so far ahead, and to call myself back to this moment. Medicine cannot be learned in one night; but instead, little steps must be taken, spread over a lifetime of learning, observing, processing.

Maybe, for the first time, I am learning what the gritty parts of real commitment look like: moving forward, focusing, and doing what you promised you'd do, even when your physical body and mental concentration are no longer engaged.

I am not at such extremes yet, but in these early days I am trying to find resolution to build upon... more on all of this later